I Can’t Give Up.

I can’t give up. Though, I want to. Desperately. A small town youth growing old under the sun; my dreams haven’t died, but I feel like I have.

I had previously written that I wanted to keep up with writing, but that hasn’t happened.

I wanted to work on videos, that hasn’t happened.

Everything else I’ve wanted to do either hasn’t happened or I’ve failed miserably in my feeble attempts.

I recently preached on Psalm 13. How long, O Lord? How long, indeed. It seems a tad brash to say that one can suffer as an American, but one can. I’ve suffered the notion my whole life: you can be anything you want if you work at it. I’m finding that this may not be true; at least, I am finding that the work of it is so miserable that I cannot fathom success would be worth the dying to see it.

It is a sin to despair; that is, to lose all hope. My hope isn’t gone but as of this writing, death seems to be the only thing waiting for me.

I know things will change; at some point it’ll get better. There is purpose in the suffering; purpose in the failure; purpose in the let downs. Right now, it doesn’t make sense to me. It may not make sense to me until I’m dead. But it will make sense. Someday.